Intellectual me?

For the past few days I am trying hard to be somewhat intellectual, absorbing everything that came my way. As a somewhat book worm I am constantly scanning Amazon site for all the new book releases and then doing the same at Crossword or Starmark. With almost a lot of books in my 'to-be-read' list I am trying to absorb the character and words written as I find it pleasurable than my boring office work. With my office eating up almost 70% of my day's time I somehow try to fit in everything in the remaining 30% but being sleep deprived and having a lot of headache due to it I can hardly succeed. Hence my kindle is my companion in the early morning when I travel to office and the book if interesting enough will take me to an utopia from where I had to reluctantly return as soon as the bus arrives at the office gate.

Recently India is united with only one discussion and that is Modi and Demonetization. Nevertheless I get around 500 whatsapp msgs everyday where people are debating in the group and also my office cubicle is not exempted. I try to participate but due to lack of political knowledge I am more of a listener. However I feel myself to be somewhat intellectual if I do happen to say something in bits and pieces and is approved by others. I ruffle the newspaper or twitter, the next day only to add few more points to the same topic.

Now what defines intellectuality? Someone who is knowledgeable, confident, witty or someone who considers himself " i-know-it-all"? Mostly I get the second type of persons across the world. And people nowadays are confident enough to state that whatever he/she thinks is only correct, others are all fools. Facebook is flooding with wall posts of people proving this. I am amazed at common people who have voice to support or revolt against demonetization but can do very little about it. Love or hate Modi , he has made u stand in front of ATMs and Banks. The rule is a rule and u have to follow. So why all these things then? Yes, yes the famous "freedom of speech". My eyes sometimes roll up and down when I see posts like "God please impart some wisdom to these fools who consider demonetization as a boon." I wonder if God is confused about whom to impart this wisdom. No I am not supporting/ promoting or going against the govt , I am just amazed at the way it was stated.

I have a friend who has opinion about everything -- I mean everything. And if I happen to speak one or 2 things he is the first to point out , hey u r wrong which makes me feel like "Grrrr....who the hell are u to say this?"
I am generally attracted to people who have broader outlook and a lot of knowledge. It increases my knowledge manifold. But alas I mostly get Mr/Ms "Know-it-all" . Hence I my recent endeavour is to become someone whom I really like. That is to gather as much knowledge my little brain can hold and speak with utmost data points to counter debates and impress or somewhat enrage people. But as it takes a lot to succeed , I always end up saying something stupid and confronted by others. Blimey!

I,me, myself

I,me,myself is the thought that crosses my mind when I relax after a day of hard work reflecting back on the lessons I have learnt so far. It is absolutely true that no one knows me better than myself. No one can understand my pain better than me. So when people become judgemental about me I tend to retrace step backwards coiling into my shell thus avoiding to share anything more.

I read many articles and blogs where I found people have written that we ask our mirror, we dress to get noticed because we dont know who we are. No, we want to be appreciated. Thats our inherent desire. We dress good to look good, to feel good and if someone appreciates  bingo! thats exactly we want. If thats not the case why would we spring to our defense if someone says anything negative about the same dress? Do we gladly accept and say yes, it is horrible? No.

Till few months back I was in search of few wise men/women who would tell me how I am. What my character is? Do I make a good human being? A good friend? It was like I needed an approval to be me. But from bits and pieces of opinions that I gathered from people around me , my ego immediately gave a disapproval. Hence I concluded that they have not faced situations as I have or since we are different human beings our stimuli responds differently. Thus there is no such wise man/woman whom I am searching. Even if I get them I wont believe them. It is me who can answer all the questions I have.

To describe me in 1 sentence - " a stupid common woman who keeps on faltering and learning"

Love vs Freedom

It took me  a while to understand the topic for Indispire and realise its meaning . Love and Freedom are 2 completely different words with different meanings and should never be mixed with each other. Incase it should be mixed , it depends on the type of relation we are considering. A parent would be strict in the matter of freedom as it may hamper the child's growth. That doesnt mean the love is less in any way.

I have seen during college days my room mates used to give up dressing the way they want because their boyfriends didnot approve it. Thats something which even they found weird but followed because their love surpassed logic. Their freedom of dressing, freedom of mixing with other guys were restricted because their so called boyfriends were simply jealous.

Coming to freedom of speech nowadays people are more open to say anything they want. Gone are those days when people used to be tolerant. Now with the increasing rate of divorces we are proving that we are anything but tolerant. I have seen a girl who used stay with me in Chennai, misuses her independence. She was very soft spoken and always kept to herself. But from her life stories I gathered that she was brought up in strictness and once she is away from her home, she used her freedom the way she liked as if in protest to all the misdeeds happened.

It is unquestionable that people will always choose freedom above everything else. We were born free , we live free and die free. We might give into people's wish thinking that there is love but we cant sustain that.If people are not allowed to express freely they are sure to burst out one day. That has got no linking with love. It is stemming from other emotions like self worth, dignity etc. Imposing restrictions on meaningless matters harm a relation much more.If there is love there should be understanding and the other person should understand your restriction well enough to not consider it one. That will pave way for a happy relation.

Are you happy with your life?

It is a tough question when I ask people whether they are happy with what life had offered or is offering now. Many have answered I would like to undo many of my mistakes, avoid all the troubles that I had to face.

Well given a choice wouldnt we all want to lead a life full of only happiness? We would have luxury as our top priority and forget all the pain staking work that we do to earn our living. The negativities wouldnt have existed. But think for a minute. What good would it have done to us? We are because of our decisions- be it good or bad. If it was good we are happy, if it was bad we are humble. How boring would life had been had it not for the obstacles that come our way.

Looking back at life I do feel some unnecessary decisions should have been avoided. Some childish attitude should have been curbed. But as they say with time you become more wise, I realised that they were not to be repeated. The uncertainty of life is what makes it so sweet. You keep on planning for a future you know not. Had it been  your choice of life, I bet no one would have ever liked the word "Challenge". Life would have been dull. So you need negativity to remain firm with positive belief.You need obstacles to test your skills, your patience.

I dont want to alter my life. Whatever gone is gone. Maybe for good. What is upfront I know not. Still I am hopeful to deal with every situation with utmost maturity and yes a cool mind. If success can make a man King overnight, tragedy will make him humble. All our greatest poets, musicians,painters had to go through immense pain to come out unscathed and ever shining as a diamond.

At the end before I breathe my last I would like to say that I lived life on my own terms no matter how good or bad the situation was. I am responsible for what I am today and may Almighty forgive me for something I didnt do right.

A day for peace

I was travelling by bus with my whatsapp on and chatting with my teacher about one of her researches she is currently doing on human behavior. The answer that I got from her was full of positive vibes. She did acknowledge problems yet she never stopped making an effort to turn the situation positive.

Back home I was talking to my mother about the various problems that I was dealing with. She gave me an idea to meditate. Now thats something I never considered. As nowadays we have so much to do who would spend rather waste time meditating? I discussed this with my husband. But he insisted that we should at one point of time focus on the positives we have, calm our mind from the raging storm and let peace reign. Meditation can give you that peace.

I was about to retire for the day and just before that I switched on my Kindle as my daily custom. I was going through a book "change your habits, change your life" where the author states that it is always our choices , our limiting minds that restrict our ways to success. I dont want to delve deep into gyans as I find them boring. What I deciphered from it is if we have to dedicate a day to celebrate something lets celebrate happiness,peace and positivity. Lets forget our tensions for a day and concentrate on what we have, count our blessings and free our mind from fear.

I must say I am amazed at how my mother , mother-in-law or my teacher never stops to impart some positivity at the end of every problems so as to keep our focus intact. They may not deal with the situation the same way but they will never fail to look at the positive side too.

So lets meditate for a few minutes in a day, specially when your mind is racing. Just say "Calm down boss, life is not that difficult. This too shall pass."

Forgiven but not forgotten

I was watching the movie "Life of Pie" once more on television where Irfan Khan says at the end "its not the end that hurts but to say goodbye so unceremoniously does". He meant about his tiger friend "Richard Parker" who kept him alive through all the hardships and once he was safe to go back to his own clan did the tiger made his exit without even looking back. He felt betrayed and cried like a baby. The incident was so disappointing that he felt the pain years later while dictating the entire episode to a journalist.

Forgiveness is never easy. We all have to accept the pain and in order to be happy with ourselves do we choose to let go. But what if someone so close to you leaves you without a warning, a goodbye? What if you never get to ask him/her a question "Why did you leave?" I sometimes wonder we have the right to act like how we want but do we not owe anything to others? How cruel it can be if you walk away like this?

In order to forgive the above doing we need a lot of courage but definitely this will never be forgotten. Its not about the ego, the hatred or anything. Its just a question asking if the person had the right to behave like that. The answer will always be No. But the irony is the people who can do this no longer care for what you feel. Yes you must forgive them so that you live a better life. But time and again you will be reminded about the defaulter and way he/she exited from your life. You may mourn at the loss of a friend but its hard to accept that people can be hard hearted enough to not bother.

Love thyself first

The door of Heaven cracked open as I glided inside. There in front of me stood GOD himself.
"Hello Nita. How are you?" he asked. "Where am I?" I countered. " You are about to enter Hell"

"Why so? What have I done?" I  asked
"I kept you in heaven for 22 years. You came out of it willingly. Now its time to visit Hell."
"You must me joking  God as I was in Hell not in Heaven. My parents didnt love me, my boyfriend ditched me , my friends parted ways and you call it a Heaven?"

God smiled and said "Let me show you the picture I had drawn for your future"

And he showed me sitting in a posh office , holding an important position, a loving husband, 2 kids and my parents who are always praying for my well being.

"Now let me show you the picture at your home now"

And I saw my mother inconsolable. My father is silent. My little sister is crying in front of my picture and there is Nitish, my boyfriend happily engaged to another girl saying to his friends "Nita was a failure. She committed suicide as she cannot accept defeat. She has to win."
 To this my best friend Sonal replied "I know her since childhood. She is selfish. She didnt think about her parents."

Tears rolled down my cheek as I turned away. God asked me "So you committed suicide for Nitish who called you a failure. For friends like Sonal,Neha etc who called you selfish. They did not  understand your pain."

"And still you called it a Heaven" pat came my reply.

But God never stops smiling. "Yes it was a Heaven. You know why? Because I gave you to choose. Had you chosen anyone else as your boyfriend, he would have loved you. Had you chosen your friends wisely you would have been happy. Why did you let them hurt you? Why did you need a friend who dont understand you? And above all why did you not love yourself? I gave you brain to reason. I gave you heart to love. I gave you parents to support and you still didnt appreciate?"

I was about to  answer when my alarm clock rang. I sat upright on the bed. Blimey! I was dreaming. My mother entered my room and said "Happy Birthday Nita. Dont worry I will talk to Nitish and he wont leave you. Be happy now"

I hugged her tight and said "No mum. I dont need Nitish anymore. He is gone for good. I dont need Sonal, Neha, Puneet etc. I dont want any negative people. I need you. I need dad. I need my sister Naina. I love you all. And above all I love myself now. Much more than before